I am an Aid Dealer / Injecting charity till your veins cease up

For some time now I've been trying to come up with a pithy blog post which synthesises a lot of what is rotten in this peculiar tropical bubble. A piece of pointless, vaguely arty polemic which punctures the smug, inflated egos of the expat chancers of Kigali.

The problem is: how do I write about the perversity of the self-regarding adventurers enjoying the easy life in the land of a thousand hills, and yet somehow also make it about restaurants?

Well somebody has beaten me to it:

http://www.amazon.com/Thousand-Hills-Heaven-Restaurant-Rwanda/dp/0316232912

I suspect this book isn't a satire though.

If this really is a book about how some privileged white guy who edits his own wikipedia entry has managed to save Rwanda from itself, then I'm afraid I might have to end it all. Bring me a bottle of good scotch, a packet of razor blades, and a warm bath.

The irony is, post-harikiri I'd find myself languishing in the flames of hell wishing I was in Heaven.

Fuck. You can't win, can you?

Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth?

Tripadvisor still rates Heaven Restaurant as the number one in Rwanda, a statistic which Heaven proudly quotes on their website. Perhaps the casual diner would prefer to hear the views of the general public on Tripadvisor than what a smartarse with a blogspot account thinks, but just remember this: the general public like eating at McDonalds.

Do check out the Heaven website though - my partially exposed bumcrack still appears peeping slyly at you in a photograph on the Heaven homepage. What a glorious legacy.

Pleasingly, the menu has changed since my last visit, but my concentration span is low so I order the default burger which impressed me so much on my very first visit. I also got to taste a Turbo King beer, a dark beer with a Trappist vibe going on. At about 8% though, overconsumption might lead to errors of judgement.

An amuse bouche is normally the chef's excuse to show off a bit, but here we are presented with the same baby poo on chapathi chips as they were knocking out two years ago. Yawn. They still haven't listened about the Guacamole either. A squeeze of lime juice, an extra pinch of salt, and maybe a spot of chilli is all it takes folks.

The burger seems to have declined. Despite ordering medium, it comes well done, very dry, and about the size of a bottle top. The bun is also dry and slightly burnt, while the triangle of cheese is barely visible. Chez Lando do a better burger. Yes: Chez Lando. Chips (fries) are good though. Very crisp and more-ish.

Making fish and chips - proper British fresh-from-the-chippy fish and chips - is both a delicate science and a fine art. Either do it properly or don't do it at all. Likewise ravioli: it looks all handmade and nice, but why force it to swim in a big red puddle like some sort of bizarre alien crime scene?

So, top marks for chips (fries) and very good service. Top marks for that view as well. I had a quick poke around in the kitchen too, which seemed very clean, until I was politely ejected. I can't quite put my finger on why Heaven always strikes me as a bit weird though. It's a bit like going on the London Eye. You can enjoy the view, especially at night, but it's expensive, and you're in a bubble isolated from the people in the city down below, surrounded by overweight tourists.

Number 1? Nope, maybe top five on a good day.

Counting the statistics

I've got this little bit of software that monitors how many visitors there are to my blogs. I doesn't steal your data or anything like that, just tells me when, how many, and where you come from, both in terms of links and search terms, and your actual physical geography.

Yawn. Most interesting is a little function that tells you the search terms entered into a search engine which then prompted the user to click through to Kigali Restaurant Reviews. There are a few popular searches, most disturbingly people (mainly residing in Switzerland and Belgium, it seems) searching for the promise of pay-as-you-go sex at some of the more popular hotels in Kigali. My warning remarks about a few places also work as a useful guide for the travelling scumbag.

Apart from all that, another popular, and altogether more legitimate search is for 'Heaven Restaurant'. It seems that the folks at Heaven have their own website now: Heaven Restaurant Website

It looks like they're doing a US election night special on the 4th November, so get down there and order some Obama burgers.

Also doing good trade at the moment are Torero in town. If they get that place right then Kigali may have a cultural hub worth talking about. Good Luck to them. They have a website too: Torero Cafe Website

Kigali: A 24 Hour City

Kigali is not so much a city that never sleeps, as, as Alex Turner might put it, a city that never wakes up. What qualifies it as a 24 hour city, is that a lot of visitors only end up spending 24 hours there. As a veteran of Kigali hotels I can confirm that the travelling aid dealers, overlanders, and gorilla hunters tend to make their stops in Kigali as short as possible, before venturing on to excitement elsewhere.

So, in the absence of any real new material (or content, as I believe the kids call it these days), here's a cut out and keep guide to where to eat if you're in Kigali for 24 hours.

High End
Are you a luxury gorilla tourist, or a high rolling World Bank aid monkey? Here's how to spend those dollars:

Breakfast:
The buffet at Serena is hard to beat, but if you're not staying there it will set you back at least $20. Otherwise try the Panorama Restaurant at the top of the Hotel Mille Collins. The buffet isn't as spectacular, but the view makes a great start to the day.

Lunch / Snacks:
The Novotel buffet is one of those places to go when you have money to burn. It isn't much fun though. Better is the Bourbon Cafe, with branches at the Union Trade Centre in town, and the MTN Centre in Nyarutarama. Excellent coffees come with free wi-fi, leather sofas, and an international menu (i.e. club sandwiches, salads and burgers)

Dinner (or 'tea' if you're from my neck of the woods)
Its a choice between Indian Khazana, for curry and fancy dress waiters, or Heaven for a quality, local sourced menu that changes with the seasons. Both restaurants are in Kiyovu and will set you back a minimum of $20 a head - more if you order wine.

Late night drinking:
Head down to Republika in Kiyovu for cocktails and beers with a view across the valley.


Mid-range
For the NGO workers, journalists and solo travellers looking for a hassle free bite.

Breakfast:
At the hotel, or why not stop in and pick up a pain au chocolat from the bakery at the Novotel or the Nakumatt at UTC.

Lunch:
La Sierra, near the banks in town does sandwiches, samosas, cheese pasties and a buffet. Eden garden a few doors down has a well regarded buffet. $10 will buy a decent Italian buffet at the Sol e Luna in Remera.

Dinner:
Back to Sol e Luna for a choice of about 50 pizzas, decent pasta and pitchers of red wine. For a broader menu, head to New Cactus in Kiyovu. A reasonably priced and very tasty buffet can be found at Chez Robert, across the road from the Hotel Mille Collines.

Late night drinking:
Fine dine or Karibu in town for a few beers, then on to Planete nightclub for a dance.

Budget:
Overlanders, backpackers, volunteers, save your pennies for the following.

Breakfast:
A cup of tea and a few biscuits. Who needs breakfast?

Lunch:
There are good buffets to be had at the Kigali Business Centre, Le Banjo in Remera, and at Nile Grill (Rue Kalisimbi, city centre)

Dinner:
Load up on meat quite cheaply at Carwash in Kimihurura, or grab a buffet at Karibu. Chez Lando's (Remera) brochettes come pretty cheap.

After hours drinking:
Stay at Carwash, or Chez Lando, or head over to Fine dine. New Cadillac for dancing.

It's a small town

I've been continuing my quest to see what the man on the street thinks about eating out in Kigali, and stumbled across an interesting little coincidence...

Check out the reviews of the Heaven Restaurant in Kigali on Tripadvisor.

Lots of positive reviews. I concur - its a good place to eat. Now look a little closer:

• Note the language used. Each of the reviews reads like a press release.
• Check out the reviewer profiles. 4 out of 5 joined within a couple of days of each other, and immediately gave Heaven glowing reviews. They haven't reviewed any other places.
• Where are the reviewers located? NYC, Boston, San Francisco... Next time you go into Heaven, ask the owners for a little potted history.
• Google the names of the reviewers with the names of the owners. Hello there!

What an extraordinary coincidence.

Mixed but mostly very positive reviews of Heaven have already appeared on Kigali Restaurant Reviews and Jifflings. The reviews still stand (its still a great place to eat), but they are not due to another extraordinary coincidence.

By the nature of my eating habits, I have developed good relationships with restaurant owners and staff in Kigali and elsewhere, and yes - I sometimes get special treatment at some places due to my repeat custom, and maybe even because of this blog. However, the reviews are always impartial and not driven by any special service or favours I receive.

News of the best places always comes from genuine reviews and, more importantly, genuine word of mouth.